Memoir on me. Insert wit here.

Current mood:cynical



I planned to start at the beginning, but what’s the point. Live in the now, right?

My life is a thing of responsibility and stability. Not what I expected. At all. I can be quite wise and nice. Sometimes. But mostly I am a selfish, slobby bitch. I can admit this and hate myself for it.

Recently I've realized that I am a lot nicer when I've had a drink. And a lot more horrible. In fact I am a lot more everything when I've had a drink. Or two. Or three. So smart and sexy. No denying me. Also friendlier, chattier and more interested.

Straight edge. I am such a hypocrite.

The last few days, I have been happy. I've been talkative and witty and friendly. I have actually tried to put forth an effort at life. I won't insult you by pointing out the irony. I love aspects of my life. Cherish them in fact. It's just that sometimes I feel, well a bit mad. (And not in the angry sense). I am more than a little alienated. All my own doing. I was born a little bit alienated. And then I accentuated it.

I am not special. But I want to be.

I'm unique and all that jazz. But I get this overwhelming disappointment that I am just an ordinary human. With ordinary reactions and emotions. In a hundred years, my life, my world, everything that is so mind-blowingly huge to me will be nothing. It won't be history.

I'm ashamed of myself. I go to pieces when I try to be different.

This isn't where I thought I was going with this blog. I never thought I was going to say that I've alwayssecretlythoughtIwassomethingalittlebitspecial. I hate it when I'm reminded that I'm not. That in reality, everyone thinks that they are special, so big in their own little worlds. That is what makes us all the same. I don't want to be unimportant.

None of this is in any particular order (in case you hadn't noticed)

I am not trying to shut the fuck up to please everyone else. I will say what I want. I am not trying to be anyone's anything. Because I know that mostly I will just fail. I try daily to not hate myself. I have decided maybe it is just time to become someone I don’t hate.

Maybe hating myself now is the key to loving myself later.

Maybe this blog is pointless. Maybe all this is.