"when you are very old and very lonely you will understand".

Current mood: tipsy - in the most beautiful sense you can imagine. I am the dreamer and you are the dream. (To quote a fave and....well enough of that).

Magic show welcome. Nothing to lose. Starve away the pain and drink up the loneliness. My determination is strong. So is my addiction. Help. Shameful. This can't be it. Closed eyes and open hearts. Open minds filled with lies and secrets. Sham world. Sleeping on the floor and hugging ceramic. Secret life. Secret pain. Shame. My little sickness. Little sin. Forgotten nights, blurry thoughts. Hours of showers. Cold water and hands. Streaming eyes and who gives a fuck. Lucid thoughts and sheer panic as an afterthought. Ready to commit, but not myself. Too human. To distant. Stuck in a walking coma. I made up everything and this bed. Sleep in it and this head. Fill up another glass. Drinking from bottles instead of cartons. Drink yourself asleep and awake. This is an affliction but rescue isn’t required. Seek no medical attention. Shameful to their eyes and painful to their hearts.



I wont be saved.



(will I ever admit it is a real issue. cant walk away. can't put it down for more than a day or so. restricting doesn’t seem to help and habits die hard. will my call for help ever hit the airwaves of reality. one day i will wake up with a cancer that can't be cured. i know this but still i can't say no. i am so much more than anyone can ever know and more than i can handle.)