“hugs that remind you of the fuck that lies beneath them”

Current mood: scared


I’m more afraid than I’ve ever been. At this point I’ve lost the ability to rhyme. I’m losing the ability to reason. The seasons changing and I’ve terrified to let it, yet unsure if I can stop it. I see his eyes when I close mine and my mind is so preoccupied. The butterflies came and went. What followed is a yearning. Not physical but instead from my very center. My heart is screaming at me about how things could be, while my mind can only argue about how they once were. Not exactly a choice, he has to make his own. I can only wonder if I felt worthy would I even be wondering? Feeling dirty at thinking the deed would be done if I were 20 pounds lighter.

Can a scale and its results be all that my world is balanced on?
Not eating due to anxiety and the scale is slowly tipping.

I think I am due for a landslide and this feeling is a lot like drowning.

I want it all.

I want to know what it would be like if he knew how I really feel-

but I am beyond terrified at the telling of that not so tall tale.