“Am I really dieing? Oh William we’re all dieing.”

Current mood: pensive




One day we will lay in hospital beds and retrace the moments of our lives in our heads.
all the rights and wrongs, the time spent hiding and running and learning.
all the love we could’ve shared and all the happiness we should’ve found.

But those moments will be past and there will be no going back.

When all that’s left is just us in a big white room, when we're back to the very place we started. On the path to whatever comes next, when all that remains are the memories and choices we have made, only then will we understand.

“He took her roughly, rudely in a way that made her scream. And around them the flowers bloomed” -Bentley Little (The Vanishing)

Current mood: optimistic




We get stuck in life's moments. All we are is a series of them. Life is hard but that is what makes it beautiful. Pain is real and we bring it upon ourselves. Hearts are fragile and don’t fix easy. Love is nothing easy and it isn’t cheap.

I am telling you nothing you don’t already know. I am a martyr for its cause though and I come with a message and a reminder. This is a thing worth fighting for. It's strong and real and possible. We're closer to Heaven than we'll ever know.

So I am getting really excited! Aren't you?

"Would you believe me if I said I didn’t need you, cuz I wouldn’t believe you if you said the same to me.”

Current mood: numb



As hard as we try we take twelve steps back for every one forward. Us and right aren't even writing letters anymore. We have a love that is stronger than walls and words. The kind of love that feels so much like doom. Babyluv has so little heart doesn’t she. I write our leading lines and live by leading on with or without lies. We’re going nowhere fast and sinking rapidly. This is what drowning feels like. How can something we want so much seem so much like our own self destruction?

We can’t see eye to eye no matter how hard we try and our eyes are always watering. We put our shoulders forward and give it one more go.

I can only hope this isn’t all for show.
This isn’t how I thought this would go.

This is more of a rant than anything. Pointless ranting to thin air and my blood pressure is rising.

Current mood: pissy



Mind games and bullshit. Where does it stop and the truth begin. When do the feelings sink in and the lack of whit end.

You make me crazy and I cant take it anymore. A boring life never looked so good. Your willing to encourage me. Strengthen me. Show me the way. To walk away. To end everything I’ve ever known. To tear apart my family and my world. To destroy the lives of others.

Why? You say you’ll be there. Your barely there now. Reliable is not a synonym for you. You are but only when it suits you. You call but only when you want the rise of it. You say what a wonderful couple we would make. How great we would be together. Hell your not even a good friend most days. Pissing me off now does not bring happy thoughts of then.

I was willing to risk it all.
Your not even willing to call.

Thinking of your pleasure and keeping me like a pup on a leash. This is a game to you, but in this hand of poker I am the one risking everything.

Not willing to continue this charade but unable to let go.

Time to steel myself and dig deep. Sometimes the things you want most aren’t things you can keep.

One last chance to stop playing with sheep.
Wolves have pretty grins but pits make better friends.

“from my place within my high castle, i looked out at the scene through windows, that hid all the world’s suffering from my eyes…

...yet still, in this wondrous dreamland, i cried...i drowned myself in my bed”

Current mood: open...for debate

Doing all I can to make this right. No idea what rectify even means. Promise not to take forever. Never been good with goodbyes or even ok with hellos. Trying to take you down. Trying to get myself outta town. Willing to erase it all and leave myself facedown. Parents never warned me and I have no explanation for my actions. Dieing to cause more than a mess. Wanting to be back to where we once were and back to when we didn’t exist. How can it be both. How can I have it all. I keep trying to fix this but halfhearted was never enough and December isn’t closing in on me. I give confessions to strangers and settle in for the winter.

How can butterflies as amazing and beautiful as they are bring such painful sinking feelings.

“the sleep that comes moments before the sun freezes our eyes open” … I love those moments spent half awake and unable to hang up.

Current mood: jovial



Give me a sign before we run out of time. Your something I will never forget. This is time spent I will never regret. Falling for friends and enemies. Getting my fix through phone lines and green eyes. Believe in myself you say. You believe in us and I am at a loss for words. Making such a mess with the black and white lines that once existed. Never seen so many shades of gray. I hate knowing your out there without me. Heroes inside both of us aching to get out. Aching to touch an equal. Mind games and late night lights. Standing beside you I feel so safe. The guilt is setting in. Pressure is wearing us thin. We are feeding ourselves to this fire and dreams seem to foretell our future.

How can we deny thoughts we didn’t intend to have.

Madness? This is Sparta!

Current mood: surprised/wondering



We should. Stop everything ad walk away. Turn around and follow different paths. Forget each others names and all our private games. Never look back. Act as if we never met. Never felt as if we’d known each other forever. Never loved every minute together. We could, couldn’t we? Put an end to the best thing and worst idea I ever had. Half said truths and silent feelings. Glued eyes and hidden emotions. Turn our backs on this half finished notion.

You were my king once and I your queen. Centuries ago we both know it was so.

Can we be again this lifetime or must we wait a little longer?

“Let me die in my dream. So I don't wake up to my nightmare”

Current mood: thoughtful...and prob selfish


Stranger in my own life (fucked up wife) Striving for happiness but pausing to think twice (ten times). Nothing is as it seems. Choices are unraveling me at the seams (how much can I take). Finally seeing what I really want but terrified to leave what I’ve always known. Used to being put down not on a throne (he‘s a prince). Thrown for a loop and wondering who will catch me. My fall feels never ending and I don’t think I can keep bending (the rules).

Shining armor never seemed so enticing or terrifying.

“i will make you mine and then forget you. my head is too crowded for the company. can we go back to how it was?”

Current mood: mischievous



Sometimes life gets you down. Especially when the ground never felt this close. Hold me that way. You know just how to bring back my smile, to make me happy. My laughter never seemed so easy or felt so warm. I can’t look away from you. It’s pathetic but true. Most days I wish you were all I ever knew. This feels so solid for something so brand new and only half formed. I wish you knew how I felt and would always say ditto.

Sarcasm and irony will only ever teach us how to die.