The truth goes deeper than he ever will. (circle of hate)

Current mood: taken aback (on the gossip team)


My despair, your disdain. Some things never change. Black and blue on the inside. Cutting without a trace. Slowest martyrdom in history. But dying for what? Indeed - why live YOUR life ? You’ve done all you can. It will never be enough. Never was. Fake fur and fuzz. Pretend. Be who you could never have. Die for yourself. The only person you ever truly loved and never truly knew. Clouds stroll by, dew forms. All is right in your wrongness. Perversion of a lesser version. Or not. In the eye of the beholder. Easy cum, easy go. Death is the ultimate form of going all the way. You know all about that. Around the block doesn’t fit for you. Keep it all inside though. Or so they say. Kiss and tell - but only when it hurts. Broke her heart by breaking him off.

All she ever knew

For you just another screw.

…Everybody wants to explore the new girl, caught up in her own hard liquor world.

Current mood: surprised, but not so much. Should’ve seen it coming.

Truth.
I wouldn’t know what to think.
Don’t let us lose it.
Lust is a chemical reaction. As is love.
No control over ourselves.
God is a molecule.
Bind me. Bound to.
Closure is not a word we know. Or care to.
Join me (in the closet). Closer.
Secrets safe. Only known in our,
Heads, hearts. More.
Formal fantasy. Drunken delusion.
Drank you up.
To liqueur or not.
Subliminal messages fill you ears.
But underneath the sheets is over your head.
Innocence. Incoherence.
Who’s the whore now?
He fed you a line and you ate him up.
Do a little more.
Flirting is so yesterday anyway.
Jump to round two right away.
Took a left turn and ended up torn.
Told you so seems too simple.
Dominate. Desecrate.
Dimples did it for him.
Never said a word.
Gossip teams and loser lines.

So again I ask.

You wanted more.

So now who’s the whore?

If you'd just trust in me you know I trust you we'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do

Current mood: loved – ish – isque...lets just say lustful to be safe.

Need you more than you’ll ever know.
Is it getting through? Silence is golden.
Why aren’t you holding me? Get to you. Break the barrier.
Change destiny. Tempt. You say you don’t know me.
Deserve me is more like it. Afraid. You’re a sight.
Not for sore eyes.
For yourself but you’ve destroyed that to. Waste of time.
On my mind. Words only complicate.

Black and white or blue? Read between the lines.
Alone in a screaming crowd. Something more. Accept (no except) less.
Remember false memories - lies. Believe. Take it all.
Keep every lie close. As family. Distant as continents.
I know. Feelings show. Body language is undeniable.
Forget or forgive. Never both. Ribbon on my wrist.
New twist. Threatened and accepted.
Walk away and I’ll want you.
Consider things.
Stay and I’ll lose myself.
Uncomfortable is now commonplace.
Anything for you. Lies. Denies.
Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway.
Again and again.

Are you getting it yet?

ME?

Telling stories in words who've left us behind

Current mood: indescribable

Time.
Small word. More power than most. Fluid and constant. No turning back.
If I could control one thing it would be this. Our true god. Our only reality. Tempt. Fight. Spare me the bull. Give me a moment and I will show you heaven. In a nutshell. Not quite. Give in or give up. All the same. Rocks in a tumbler. Smooth to hard to smooth again. This is our life. Reach into your head. Would it frighten me to see what’s behind hazel eyes? Holding you in. pulling. Can you feel it? The rush. It’s flying by. Decaying us every moment. Touch. Move. Fighting is futile but we can’t help ourselves. Need to make a stand. It’s running out. Suffocate. Drown. Waiting for a chance to wait. Cracked armor. Seeping virtue. Drawing flies.

Flicker out on an imperfect day. No escape.

All answers come as we die.

i compare myself to everyone around me and see myself far lower than what they are.

Current mood: weird

You know...Shaant maybe ugly but god he can write.
I am in love with his words...
makes me feel like a whore...

"his name is something that your tongue calls "its double play."
he doesnt have to know
i can make sure this never hits his radar

why would i want your chapstick on my lips
considering the open sips that this stick has seen.
do you enjoy the fearful fuck?
i wonder why the dept of guilt must be dug.

your ankles feel of shame
my cheek bones feel of short sided fame
who is right in this situation at hand?
i am a fanatic of my very own addict...so you shun me and i smile.
i can do whatever i do with or without you.
my throat hurts from the note it just wrote.
the blood is thin and i am wishing i was there when...
if the feet of a thousand men came down upon me then i'd to bask in their glory.

i stole the moment from the attention whore.
so i can bask in the glory that was that materialistic war.
you have the nose of a working woman
the legs of a heel walker and the dependancy of an easy fuck

i think i just said that but i know its unfair.
luckily luck is on my side and your opinion has no affect towards mine
i am aching and you are waiting.
who do i cater to first?

do you follow the letters that my fingers lay?"

I am a whore and a jealous one at that...
i hate myself for it...

I am not so good with words as that/this.

A passing folly…how pink is too pink?

Current mood: exhausted

My mind crumbles. Aubergine blood and fuchsia tears. A million new scars and a few less stars. Forced myself to grin and bear it. Said I loved it but wouldn’t swear to it. You walked away. Resentment like a fog. Act as if we’re strangers. They would never kiss. You would never tell. On no, she just tripped and then I fell. He looks so sweet with his eyes sewn shut. Slut is a four-letter word. Truth is to. Don’t believe a liar. I’ve never told. One. You live in an opera. No more of the soap variety. I’m glad to not be a star. Your star. Tell the truth. Even if you don’t know it. Work hard for it. What would you give to reach the top? Never enough. Your fifteen minutes of fame is going up in flames. Scene rhymes with mean. They’ll tear you apart just to watch you bleed. Liars aspire to be less.

How low can you go when your knees are already so torn?

Sedatephobia – fear of silence.

Current mood: creative

For those who didn’t know. Know me. Sesquipedalian. Ha got you there. Big words and overused lines. My life in a nutshell. Kiss and tell. Or not kiss and tell anyway. Filled with a fever only a needle can cure. Not how you think though. Drug of choice doesn’t come in the form of a chemical. More like pain and creativity. Naivety. Will I hate it later in life once I start to fall apart? Too late in more ways than one. Decomposing daily. Straightedge means getting off in more unconventional ways. Guitar strings and drum beats instead of diamond rings and opera seats. Classy is not in my existential vocabulary. How can you be egotistical and still hate yourself?

Contradictory truths.
Proud to show the proof.

take a deeper drink from my never-ending flow of whine...

Current mood: pensive

We walk in circles and hate each other for it. Rebellion in the form of redundancy. Domination in the form of dormancy. Who are we to dominate anyone? Tell each other no in the form of yes. Slowest death in history. Why do we like to ache inside. Love is there but hidden under a million layers of nothingness, of boredom, and of selfishness. Where to start looking I have no idea but it is my ultimate goal. Needle in a haystack. Your no needle. My need though. Deprived and depraved. Affection intended but never extended. When did it become too much effort? Do you feel the pressure now? Not letting go though. Taste this wine. Drown in it. We can do better. For each other. Look harder.

Feel the pleasure under the pressure.
Find the fissure.

didactic intuitions and sacrilegious instincts…

Current mood: impetuous

Two into one just doesn’t make sense.

Childish fantasy or adult delirium. Who is she. Wipe me away and start over. Who is he and could he feel my mind. Reality is not what you thought it was. Change directions and obsessions like you should underwear. Addictions. What you wanted from me was far more than I could ever give. What I needed from him more than he ever would. Can we keep on living like this? Whose to say this isn’t perfection in the form of mild rejection. We can never hope to be what we never even though to try for.

Two into one sounds like fun.

We were born for this…

Current mood: quixotic

Last leg. Last chance. Feel the terror? The pressure only grows as the room closes. Born for you. To screw up. To scar every heart; to dent them is more accurate. Lot of nerve. Can’t walk away. Can’t get closer. Too close already. Nowhere near close enough. Two personalities inside one and you can only stand one of them. Me too and that’s the problem. How can you know me when I don’t? Talk no. Touch no. Wish yes. Hard. Harder. Closer. Put my faith in you. Effort. One last chance to make this knot hold. Hold me. See me. Know me. Take a seat. TALK. Tell me who you are. Educate me. I want to learn. Drowning in senselessness. How can such a bright light fade so fast? Rebuild the fire - spread the sparks. Prove it to the world and ourselves.

We’re better than this.
Better than you think and I know.

The American Night/too long hard stunned

Current mood: pacified

Still so empty. Not in the way I crave the power to be. Disgusting to no one but myself. Press my nose to the mirror hoping to see the other side. Gods and goddesses in the form of fashionistas and poets. Who am I to even bother? I did everything I wasn’t told. Believe what you want, you could never guess the truth. Who am I to be judged? Soul-dead souls. Effort seems pointless. Where to go from here is a question that isn’t worthy of an answer. Redundancy in the form of fetidness. Repetitive much? Surely a waste of your time and my heart. Head-burns and heart-aches but what’s new? Stressful obsession and pacified peace. You get me more than you know.

Impossible concentration and brass beliefs.
You’ve got a lot to learn.

Carrying 10 X their weight…

Current mood: depressed

Poet of the damned. Lyrical liar. Tell from the look in their eyes. Just like my sunrise/sunset. It’s all the same. The script never changes. Life is a lottery cage, what ball did you draw? Wait your whole lifetime to open your eyes. Only to find the dark has come all too soon. We all live in a disguise: our un-luck makes the whole world want to die. What if this is our only chance to get this right? Placing last in the trial run is never a good sign. And “next time I will do it better” just doesn’t seem to make sense anymore. Duel realities die and heads lie to hearts. We don’t even know where to begin. Ant is his ant farm wearing blindfolds and never looking back. Never seeing the tunnels collapse behind us.

Only one-way out.
And no returns allowed.

The sunset still looks fake to me…

Current mood: sedated

Mutually exclusive or exclusively mutual? I want to share everything and yet nothing. Secrets told and truths exposed in the form of lyrical lullabies and surreptitious words. Silence is golden but I prefer silver. Tie my tongue around my neck. Here to hang myself. Sedatephobic and afraid to share my soul. Soles know no bounds but are bound for nowhere. If I disappeared would you notice; (just flew to Neverland). So many callings and so little direction. Scrutiny my enemy; indecision my Satan. Fear of commitment - outright refusal is more like it. Permanent youth and thoughtful naivety. It was never about the result, only the process. Wearing blinders in a forest fire. Bet on me not to bet. “My pen is the barrel of a gun, remind me which side you should be on”. I keep it pointed at myself – is that hate or ego talking? This goes back farther than we do. Than I would ever admit.

Hate this only half as much as I hate myself.
Love you twice as much.

Counting sheep and praying for sleep…

Current mood: drained

If I talk in my sleep can we keep on trying? Look me up under joke. Issues? You couldn’t keep count if you tried. I refuse to take responsibility for anything. Life was shit before me and will be long after. Stopped making promises; breaking them was getting old. All I never wanted was all you thought I wanted. Will my fantasy destroy our reality? Maybe it already has. Deserving of nothing. Given half a chance I would throw it all away. It’s not about the result more the process. Death will find us regardless. When it ends we’ll al be all right: it’s not possible to be wrong in death. It can only go one way. We rush when we should have been paying attention. All of your lies couldn’t hurt as much as this.

See the scattered pieces that I am.
There is nothing left to fear.

False fears tend to bring real tears…

Current mood: amused

Pace the room, heart n my sleeve. Looking for a new home. My future will kill itself and my past will hide in the closet. I am my own destruction, obsession, mutilation. Immersed in my own baggage and in need of intensive care. Lost in joy, tears and temper. Primal instincts rip me open and I sew myself shut. Like a tiger caught in a cage. Watch me rage. Feel the fever. Join my fervor. Some things are buried far too deep for such a shallow soul to walk away. Uncomfortably confused – I watch the world through colored veils. I was born for this. Formulated only to break hearts and scar minds. Amidst your tears I shine. Watch that water become my wine. Fake it like you mean it. Talk like a lion and sacrifice the lamb. You can never be what I am. The beast within the burden in mine to bear.

Close your eyes and pretend like you care.

When will it be enough?

Current mood: blah

Dying to explain my heart. Words that can’t be articulated are tearing me apart. There are worse things you can do to the ones you love rather than killing them. Watch the world do it. Watch as we get old and bored. Watch your child as he discovers everything – everything you tried to save him from. Reality is death. Disease. Conformity. Sex. Meat. Pain. Drugs. Hate. No one will get out of this intact. How do we not force our thoughts on one another - no ones mind is their own. Domination is the goal. In one way or another. Leave your mark. Make an impression. Righteousness in the form of sacrilege. Life is an arms race and we do what it takes. Ground and pound. Scars tell our story. Anymore were all hypocrites anyway. Picturing your own close up.

This is how we look to god.
Sticks and stones.
We all lose anyway.

just to be fair, your not on the menu, you'll never compare

Current mood: lethargic

The world is about extremes. How skinny is too skinny? (Not like I have to worry). When did everything reverse? What happened to survival of the fittest? Why do boys now seem to have/be pussies? Why is that hotter than my stove? Boys kissing boys. Girls looking like boys (and vice versa). I want you in my back pocket. Cross your legs and kiss me hard. Cry on my shoulder. Make me needed- your only lifeline. No drugs. No toxins. No fat. What can I deprive myself of today? Go with it. It’s all we can do. Music controls us and philosophy is dead. No one over twelve has a cherry and big brother gives us lyrical doses. We love to hate the things we love. You can’t stop it. Yourself. The scene will rule your world. So strike a pose. Spike your hair and prepare for it.

I want jaws to drop for me and for you.

Now is the time.

Don’t believe the weather is purrfect on the day you die.

Current mood: numb

People never change, only seasons and addictions. I’ve never told a lie and that makes me a liar. Once a liar always a rocker. I have a deep dark line that once crossed allows for no turning back. But the lines have gone blurry and I am unsure of which one not to cross. Want is a word of whimsy. Fragile and flimsy – it changes with every moment. The truth is something I wont see. Fake it like you mean it. Deny nothing. Share everything. Death is ultimate and love is mostly false. Who cares if no one knows?

Talk like a lion and sacrifice the lamb.

It’s all in my head.

Sadomasochism is a valuable form of communication.

Current mood: pending

What’s another word for I don’t need to hear it from you? Show me just how vicious you can be. If I were any colder I could feel your heart. Watch me implode. Your will. My destruction. Self and otherwise. I am here but not really. Gone but not quite yet. I feel nothing but everything. Pointless poetry falls on deaf ears. You’ll never know. This isn’t what you think. Human combustion is real. Five minutes and I will prove it. Will I hate the scars tomorrow? Pain is the only reality. Self-expression. Self-mutilation.

Destroy what you can’t explain. Deny what you can’t accept. Delusion is an art form.

Best friends means you pull the trigger...

Current mood: quixotic

All day music is of my dreams. Can you make it my reality? My best side is your worst intention. Wishful thinking? No conservative planning. Does the audience call for an encore? Small thrills and big kills. Not worth the sweat I wouldn’t drop. Wet shine after the fact and I hate it. Sweat for you though and them. All day delirium lost in music transgressions. Too obscure for fun though and too pathetic to cut it. Time is running short and so is my patience. At what point does self-hate become far more than real. Slacker is my middle name in everything I do. Hating myself for everything but you. Forgive me for not just forgetting.

Some things are buried far too deep for such a shallow soul to just walk away.

dreams of viridian, skin and stars...

Current mood: cold

The invitation was no good. My reality defeats yours every time. I am who I want to be when the room is empty. Right now I worship emerald but only when it includes those dazzling golden flecks. I know because I drowned in them. You have no idea what I mean don’t pretend to. Ink stains and lost holes are only the tip of a glacier that hides in my head and that you’ll never spot. Nothing personal but everything. And what’s the point; you’d never get it anyway. Get me. Dreaming of perfection. Killing and willing to achieve it, but has anyone ever been so scared. Scarred. Are you perspiring from the irony or sweating from the lies. I want a bone structure that screams save her. Own her, touch her, break her. Would you? Swallow hard and hide it deeper.

Shallow truths and thin skin. When will it all begin?

All/Nothing…what’s the difference?

Current mood: uneasy

When has it gone far enough? When do we untie the knot? I can’t see you anymore. The fog fills my world and I see only outlines of the things I once loved. Things I want. I fight me and no one is winning. Should you be involved in this? Battle. Revolving around nothing. Everything. What’s the point anymore? No one could tell us no. And we wont say yes. Follow my every step and you’ll find my fantasy world changes all the time - is total and fluid and I want to make it stop - all of it is too much. Too little. And I need you more than ever, but a vague semblance is all that is left of you. Me. Us.

When will this storm pass? Come? Crush?

Karma police, I've given all I can, it's not enough....

Current mood: cynical

Flirt. Feel. Fresh ideas are only something to dream about. Growing up is as overrated as me. Trendy. Bullshit is more like it. Its not a lie if everyone believes it. Fake it enough and even you forget the reality behind the truth. See you didn't catch that did you. Angels, devils. It's all the same. Only the facade changes. Sit back and relax we might be awhile. Fever and new ink forced inspirations. Still no originality of course. That would require depth. Thought. And that just hurts too much. To be you. To be with you. Now. I would die. Why not? Inspire me. Words only have importance because we give it to them. If I articulate it just right will you listen? Tell me the truth. Break my heart. Just make me feel. Anything. How far can I deprave myself? What else can I deny? Wilt away wishes. Denied dreams.

Am I only going where I have already been?

That look was priceless, dont let me get carried away...

Current mood: sick

Sickness is a family tree and I just want to breathe. Separate beds, hearts, heads. But one goal one truth. True love in the form of commonplace thoughtfulness and affection. More random than you. Only sometimes do I wish it wasn't so. Ever wake up and feel abandoned? What are friends for if not to hurt you and hurt with you. Liar lair pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire. You will burn in hell and I'll be there to hold your hand. Feeling numb inside then and now. Time to wake the dead. What you don't understand you can make mean anything and I don't think you get it yet. Pounding heads and hearts. Steam rooms created under sheets but not how you think, not how I want. Feverish dreams. If sickness creates inspiration is it positive? About now I should know but the ticking in my head has blocked reason. Will I kill your dreams while trying to create mine? What do you dream of- is it me? What plays on your eyelids when the world is dark and only you know the truth? Cynicism is a valuable job skill. Welcome aboard. Is that a little late?
Still treasure you as much as the first time.

how my mistakes have made your heart break

Current mood: recumbent

Heat. Internal and not. Breathe deeply. Long for nothing and everything. Can I be you? Can I have you? Spread yourself thin and open yourself wide. Forgive me for not forgiving myself. Vegan, not quite. Paper thin, can you see her? Once again I ask. Tell me how – make it so. I want to be everywhere but lack the courage to go anywhere. Will leading lead you to loneliness? Used. Good word for my life. Good name for my new favorite obsession. Liar liar, pants on fire. Could never get over the first one. Close your eyes. Squint. See the real me. Hiding behind the shadows. Of everyone before. Look back at the memories. Old inspirations. When did I lose it? Lose myself? Did you ever catch me? I didn't. Way over my own head. All of us are octagons - no that isn't right. The truth is hidden in the phenakistoscope. Look harder. Deeper. Seek it with me - hold my hand and I'll hold your heart. Smother me and I'll try to sit still.


Do you really want to know? Do you really want to see it?
Hide behind your own happiness. Reality isn't worth the effort for you.

"love only has legs so it can runaway"

Current mood: envious

Why cant the words spill from my head in fluid trains?

i want to be so inspired- so capable.
envy isnt the right word, but the first that comes to mind.