Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you hate everything about me.

Current mood: unconvinced


Would you ever give it up?
Leave it all behind?

Risk surety for a chance at another attempt to feel the rush. Touch of a notsostrangers hands. I wish you could see thru my eyes. Would I have felt this if he hadn’t pushed the issue.

His paranoia opened my eyes. The truth hidden in lingering hugs and playful punches.

Never thought it till he reinforced the options. Lies in the mouths of saints and seeing something that isn’t there. Dreams bring on longings that never existed. Hold on to fantasies all night and do it all again to get it right.

This is contemptible. Wash it all away. Never fall in love with a liar.

Never adore the mirror or the conflict inside. Maybe guns are for the best. Put an end to all the rest.

I want you. Never tell me you feel the same because I don’t think I could shut you down.

What a mess I made this time.

The air is getting thin. Jail time. The walls are closing in.

Current mood: listless


(He said I cared more for him than any girl he’s ever known. His wife included. Should I take that as a compliment or a reminder to walk away while I still can. Love in the first degree. Will I be found guilty?)


I’m the queen of confusion. You don’t want to see the world thru my eyes. Choices are never clear and glasses never help. Looking glass to the past and the future is foggy. Indecisions and wrong roads. My cover has been blown. Its all I can do to hold on. I will never admit the truth. To you or them. My past should be my warning. I’m never stable when I’m alone. Set the pace. I’ll follow your lead. Lead me into hell. We’ll never happen and there is nothing I could want more. Fake it. We joke and play. Run away together in our heads and our hearts can only wonder.

Can you be in love with two people at once.

Best friends becoming lovers, if only in dreams.

Lovers becoming friends, even if we don’t want it to be so.

How did this begin.

Where will it end.


It hurts to see him only because I want to see more of him.
It hurts to not see him because of all that I have see of him.

A perfect match and a perfect fit. This is only what I make of it.

I hate triangles and I should have stuck to the girls.

How did I become so pathetic. I cant get it straight in my head and my heart is always calling my latest choice a mistake.

I’ve never felt so torn. This is love instead of lust and it has me feeling worn.

Ball bearings and 3 digit numbers mean more than they should and you have no idea what I am talking about. I like it that way.

Current mood: secretive...and missing him some how...


If god exists his job is the worst in history.

I dream in lucid purple veils and you see thru to my hell. I am worse for your wearing and this is wearing me down. Gave up on myself long ago. You said I shouldn’t but I told you my ego would go. Thunderbolts and umbrellas help me dodge the lightening. Its all coming faster now and this is becoming frightening. I’ve lost sight of the sun and beginning to think my wings have been burned off. Maybe I should have aimed more for Achilles heel and less for heaven. Grab your ankles and you know the rest. Feeling I am about to get put to the test.

This time its for real. I wanted him then and he wants me now.

How many times can I say no….

When he knows just the right things to say.

I think you can imagine how this is gonna go.

you could find the fault in the heart that you've been handed; for though you cannot fly, you're not content to crawl...

Current mood: serene


Stare at the photo of a pair so long ago. Perfect smiles and poses. Perfect laughter and perfect addictions. To one another. Whatever happened.

Here I am, frozen and waiting. A single page of memories, a simple paragraph from the book you wrote. Are we missing the big picture? Caught up in a frame of our latest mistake. Tonight, you'll be my shoulder (is black and blue from all your punches) one more time. Things only seem to fall apart, the camera knows there is so much more. You're such a sucker (punch)
Sucker for being touched and I think of you so much when I'm alone.
So let's keep holding out (on), I'll go on keeping all my faith in the secrets that you keep (truth in brown eyes). Shout this from the rooftops, throw the photos into the sky. Give each other what we're waiting for.

The film is blurry at times but we live this perfect thread of life between irony and fate. Even in the darkest hour there’s a fire in my heart I can’t put it out (your my burning bush). Sometimes the future’s blurry but only because our perfect lives get lost inside ourselves.

I'm still so addicted to you (again and again). Something’s never change and a picture is worth a thousand words.

Captain of a ship we’re slowly sinking. What are we thinking.

Current mood: dirty


trading a loved life for something less. guilt setting in. dressed to kill. bodiless. wanting more than paper and coins. bets placed. loses not yet tallied up. feeding the fire. craving more than can be faked. biting off more than can be taken.

did you ever think that it would end like this.
did you ever think that the sound of his voice would ever be better than your first kiss.

Current mood: anticipating


Bare your claws and dig in deep. Teach me what it takes to bare the mark. Educate me on how to weep. Lets get this started. I've had accidents smoother than you. Manic maneuvers were I was to blame and I can only sneer as you breathe in deep. If you wanted you could end this and we both know it. I panic, worrying about the future and then the past begins to chase me down again. Standing on the edge of a life and looking out at another. Take the leap of faith or chance the risk of pain.

I'm a coward and the ending is always the same.

look a blind man in the eye and tell me being kind doesn't hurt.

Current mood: dubious


It’s 5 o’clock, time to start growing up. I’m demoralized but I wont let it go to your head. What were you thinking? This isn’t smoke and mirrors and your taking it too far. Dreaming of arms forbidden by laws that I love to break. I cant forget how you taste. Windows boarded up now, were they ever so open as they seemed? Wishing you could see thru my eyes, see the you I do. Its kind of funny how your never as happy as I think and I’m never as sad as you imagine. Is this critical or just a liquid conflict. Only trying to break thru the dew. Falling in love with liars and sparks in the sky.

....secret crushes leading to hidden lusts...

Current mood: devious


Who I am now must reflect you somehow. You’ve become such a part of me. Everyone else knows it, why cant we see it. Calls cut short or not there at all. Time apart makes the heart fonder but we can only wonder. Lack of conversation not because of lack of feeling but rather the opposite. Backing away to protect ourselves from one another. From change and pain and all the things we know could come. But what about the side we hide. The things we wont think of. Cant think of. Everyone wonders and no one speaks. Secrets hidden beneath sheets we’ll never see. Only there’s no secrets to hide, only feelings and I feel so interrupted.

chicken dancing on a grill

Current mood: quixotic


I’m not as fake as they say. Not as plastic as you may have heard. I changed the way I felt and I am afraid you couldn’t. Give me a reason to take your clothes off. You Hate that I don’t see this the way you do. Jealousy is your obsession. My confession is lacking charm. Your wishing my arguments away and leaving me to walk. I’ll leave this untouched and leave you dressed. Nightly encounters lacking of lust. Choosing a different road and wondering why you didn’t come. You see harm where there is none. Maybe one day I’ll will see him like you assume I do. Till then screw you. Treat me right and make it literal otherwise keep up with the belittling and I’ll keep on the extra layers.

"honey is for bees, silly bear"

Current mood: stressed


Everything is just so obvious. The way you put your hands on me. Just so copasetic how you make me crazy. Right now I think I’m sane, but really I’m just anxious. This house is right and wrong and wrong has become right. What we need is to hold onto our sanity. We love thru the day and hate thru the night. My favorite time has become my least and who am I to try and keep the peace. The words you don’t scream hit me so hard they cut to the bone. I play the scenarios out in my head. This heat fills my heart up. We’re playing sheep and following the herd. Haven’t you heard I cant be so obvious. Running water and away I go. Its closer than you think. Nearer to the surface than I would admit. Slit me with the words you refuse to say. Ruin me with the feelings you don’t share.

"The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing." ---Publilius Syrus

Current mood: annoyed


On a perfect day friends only half-ass their betrayal. Cant forget the way I loved you. How much I must have pretended. How do you mend the damage you’ve done. We could have been so much more than this. Best friends till the end but what kind of friend are you anyway. This is more than I can stand, deeper than you thought. Stand me up, fine I’ll stomp you down. Maybe I expected too much from you this time. Maybe I felt to much. I refuse to admit it and you refuse to forget it. We run in circles lying to ourselves and the world. Before it was them and us, but everything changes when the lies lay amongst us.

“ i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this cant be it. but im not ready to commit.”

Current Mood: distant/distressed. Pick one. Happy birthday to me.

Get up. Its time to die. Another day another dime. I don’t see it the way I should. Just guess at my visions and don’t ask why. I know the things you don’t. I compromise the things you wont. Holding my breath and letting go of my dreams. Always late and I never try. Is this paradise or just paradise lost. No one is around. Never see me cry. Stains leave reminders of weakness that you’ll never witness. I don’t think you can handle it. Forgive myself for my own forgetfulness. This is all I can take. Leave the dramatics behind. Nothing is for sure and dreams are just wisps of another reality. This isn’t how I planned. Not what I thought. I don’t think I can cope with it.

“i will make the hair on your neck stand on end. i will make you sing out in the night.”

Current Mood: flabbergasted


It’s coming around again. Time for apologies and tragedy. Never know whose advice to take. Chasing tails has never looked so stupid. Never catch each other looks. Eyes telling lies and mouths stitched shut. Playing a game know one understands. Rules lost through the years. Growing tired of situations and cages. Follow paths through fog and no one knows where they lead. Fear with a basis and turn the clock back before its too late. No time to wait on luck and no patience to learn from mistakes. This is how it is. Do what it takes.

"i thank god for the bands, movies, and hearts that make me want to become something better than i am. your heart beat gets me through the day”

Current Mood: grateful


Best friends wishing each other the best of luck. We put these words between us. Try to remember where it all began. Thought we were steady. Burning up inside and turning our hearts to ice. Nights spent awake and days spent silent have come between us. Its time to undo what’s been done. Not what it seems. Just let me go.

Only so I can fall back into you. Fake it out of fear. Losing more than I can handle could make me see the truth behind my purple veils. This isn’t the season to run away. Running home. Only your arms can close so tightly. Hold me back, keep me steady. I could never do it alone.

You don’t understand. You only pretend. Good enough for me. Love can find another way. Somehow this is so obvious. Choices that aren’t really. No option. Fate finds a way they say. You make me that corny. Time after time I circle back but you’re the only X I will ever know. My map may as well burn.

Things aren’t always as they appear to be. As simple as it sounds I think I’ve found the perfect way to grow old.

“sometimes cheek kiss goodbyes catch the corners of lips- and its just the secret of those two forever.”

Current Mood: somber


I’ve wanted to tell you the truth. Lyrical lies. I never wanted to be part of the herd. Always unique. Take the long road home. Home is an opinion and I never asked for one. Can you tell I cant stand alone. A faker amongst sinners. Liar amongst crooks. This is my hell only it seems I was an angel after all. All I tried not to be. Vagrant and bent. Live in the paths of those who lost their minds to lose my own. I always wanted to be not included. Watch me become insane. Harder than it looks. Is it faked if everyone does it? Always wanted to be a mystery. More to the book than the cover art. Risked it all to lose everything but nothing ever changes.

Crush my heart with stiletto heels.
I would beg for it but I just cant kneel.
Some morals run deeper than a soul can see.
Some dreams aren’t meant to be.

“You don't have to love me. You already did. ”

*....I always will and he'll never know. Hell you don't even know. I'm quoting boys that even scene kids could'nt care less about. My heart still sings his songs though. I laugh in the mirror only so I can see I don't look as crazy as I feel...why do I keep coming back to this? Ok on with the blog....*


Current Mood:awkwardpretty/thoughtlesslost. who gives a shit anyway.



I walk in the night. Lost and spastic (frantic). Paralyzed by my own antics. Wanting more than I could ever hold. Hold more in than could ever be healthy. Puking souls and sins. Bleeding hearts and hands. Devils make offers (such pretty boys) and I sink (I'm so) pretty low. He is so handsome (awkward). Everything I ever wanted (nothing so thoughtless). I am a work in progress and he is my next artist.

Carve me up and serve me on silver.

“he’s leaked lubricants all over my foot…”

Current mood:shocked (if only at myself)


Look for love in a shot glass. I've had one too many. Six times over. Hollow eyes and heavy hearts. Running from shadows and hunting madness. Rings around eyes and fingers and we act as if we notice neither. Fragile disappointment in the thighs of friends. Instinctive urges. We cant control it. Screams behind green curtains and we turn the other cheek.

Another day another dollar. Pass the tylenol.

"They say that kitties got soul…” ...well I got something for you right here.

Current mood:carnal


I wish it could all just stop. What I'm craving would only drive me crazy. Daddy told me he would buy me the world. I want that and more. Give me it all. Throw it away again. Lose myself and my morals to gain a glimpse of what I'm straining to taste. This isn’t ok. I'm not alright. Haven’t you seen that I've been pretending for years. An actress in only my eyes. Swapping a life for a night. A fair trade in most places and faces. My head is tossed and I would toss it all away. All I know is all I will never be.